Merry Christmas.

Christmas with Henry was a dream. We spent the evening before having our traditional fancy Christmas Eve dinner, which is the one time per year we break out the china, and also - as it turns out - the one time per year that we make meat for dinner? Mark made a pork tenderloin stuffed with figs, and I had to pick it up from the butcher (of course sending a sort of vegetarian to do that job was a comedy of errors, but we ended up with the right thing in the end). Christmas morning was spent letting Hen unwrap every present and pull off bows and tags and wowing at all the gifts he purchased for us (wink). I thought I had Mark beat with the secret surprise christmas gift, but he killed any chances I ever had by purchasing round trip tickets to Germany for me and my mom. I couldn't believe it! We've been trying to go for years, but something kept coming up - job stuff, pregnancies, condo purchases, etc. But now we are locked in and I cannot wait to take my mom on her first trip out of the country, and to the place of her ancestors! It will be so amazing. We left our house for Virginia after presents were unwrapped, stopped by moms to give her the good news (tears, tears, tears!), then spent the rest of the day with Mark's family. We had such a great time seeing family and eating great food and making good memories. We put Hen to bed a little late, and snuck out to watch Les Miserables while Mark's parents were sweet enough to keep an ear out for little sleeping Henry. Amazing movie. We came back to his house after midnight and slept a restful sleep until the morning, where we woke up to snow. It really was magical.
A few things about Henry that I don't want to forget -
his expressions when we opened a new present, "wow!"
looking at the "tee" and the "ee-ohs (lights)"
his little laugh he uses to charm people
he pulls himself up on my legs and gives them a giant hug (melt)
after he's finished nursing at bedtime, he looks at me and says "appy", which I can only interpret as "happy".
this little boy is great. i think we'll keep him.

he needs me.

We spent a long weekend in NYC last week and had some great family bonding time. I think Henry enjoyed it TOO much, because every morning this week, he starts crying when we leave him with the nanny. He never minded before! So with the holidays coming up, where we will spend 10 days together, I am a little nervous to think of how he'll react when we try to leave him to go to work. Poor baby. He just needs his mama and dada so much lately. Especially his mama. I keep telling Mark - he needs us for different things. He needs Mark to have fun and be loud and crazy, and hear good stories. And he needs me for hugs and kisses and cuddles. It's a little exhausting when he always reaches for me and walks to me and cries at my feet wanting to be held, but it's also the best feeling in the world. He loves me! He needs me! I love being Henry's mother. It's the best feeling, truly.

Henny is becoming a little ham.

This video is from our pre-Christmas Christmas dinner last night with my family. Thanks to Laura for having the senses to capture this on her phone. Hen is getting so funny and he's starting to realize it. He totally nails it in this video. And as you can tell, we are all putty in his hands!

CT.

We were traveling when the news broke about CT, and to be honest I didn't really get a chance to sit down and read about it until last night when I was putting Hen to bed. I haven't been able to find peace about the situation at all. It makes me angry. It makes me feel hopeless. It makes me think of the deafening quiet in those families homes this weekend, and I just want to curl up on my bed and not exist.
We are all affected by what happened and I hope the conversation moves forward on gun control and mental health. Both could stand to be reviewed, tightened up, revamped, whatever. Something needs to happen, and I'm planning to write my congresswoman to let her know how I feel. And I plan on praying, praying and praying for those families and communities affected by this event.

christmas surprise

The day after Thanksgiving, I looked at Mark and said, welp should we go pick out our tree now? Not yet, he said. Too soon, he said.

A victim to dry Christmas tree a couple of years back, I agreed he was probably right, so I set my sights on December 1. December 1 came and we spent the day preparing for his departure to Budapest/London so there was no Christmas tree to be had.

It's ok, I convinced myself. We'll wait until he comes home. December 8 would be our tree day. Mark came home and we both woke up on December 7 with our own brands of sick, I laid bedridden most of the afternoon and evening while he graciously played with Henry and let me sleep. December 8 I spent 5 hours in the waiting room at the afterhours care center trying to figure out what was wrong with me (nothing. doctor prescribed medicines i could not take because i am still breastfeeding which means i wasted 5 hours of my life on Saturday.). And still no tree.

Sunday, we skipped church. No use in sitting for 3 hours, spreading our germs, especially with Charity in the room, who has instilled in me the importance of keeping your germs to yourself! (I love you C!) With that extra 3 hours, I directed our family to a certain outdoor market with beautiful Christmas trees. We picked the perfect tree, strapped it on the hood, set our sights on home. And Sunday came and went and the tree was sitting in a bucket in the corner of our blue dining room.

Last night, I took Henry out to my sisters house in Virginia to spend time with Laura and her babes and all the cousins. It was a great time. We got home late, Henry was in his Christmas PJs, asleep in his car seat. I woke him up to go inside, carried him down the street from where we parked, and up the stairs where I witnessed a CHRISTMAS TREE! Lit up with twinkling lights in our bay window in a darkened room. We stepped inside, Christmas music playing, and all three of us stared at the tree. Ooooo, said Henry. You made my Christmas dreams come true, I said. I know you like this kind of stuff, Mark said (ha!).

 Well, thanks Mark for the perfect Christmas surprise. Christmas is finally here, and it couldn't have come in a better package. And now I get to go home tonight and gussy her up a bit. Still on the hunt for that perfect tree topper, maybe this year is our year?

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good tree!

Some thoughts on this Wednesday.

I'm in this weird place where I feel empowered, but also helpless. Anxious, yet calm. Confident in next steps, yet unwilling to make things happen to move there.

Do you ever get this way?

Since I got pregnant with Henry, I've felt like my brain has been cloudy, and I have moments of extreme clarity that are later disregarded for a TV show or washing dishes, or going to bed at 9pm. Maybe I just need some sleep.

In all honesty, there is a lot of change afoot in our part of the world, and we can allow it to happen, or we can continue to push it away. But Mark and I are both in need of the change. I know we are. Becoming parents and taking on new responsibilities, new love, new meaning in life -- all that -- has changed us. Made us want to be better, for ourselves for our Henry. And so what do we do with that? For now, nothing. But we are building, planning, making our way. Some day soon, we will do the things we need to do to bring the change.

But for now...we wait. Probably the worst 4 letter word in the whole English language, would you agree?