Sit down for this one. I want you to take a moment with me and think about what is the scariest possible blind date you could ever be privy to experiencing? Is it with a murderer? A muppet? Perhaps a two-headed Chernobyl survivor? Or is it, in fact, somebody who thinks they are something other than what they are so desperately trying to portray?
The picture was a sneak picture, thus I apologize for the poor lighting. But, can you see the tawdry man?
Listen up, cool guy. Rings? RINGS? He had more rings on his fingers simultaneously than I have owned over my lifetime. He wore not one, but two necklackes. Do you know how I know this? Our gentleman and scholar was kind enough to leave 3 BUTTONS OPENED on his cool guy shirt. The necklaces sat on his chest, nestled comfortably amidst his tufts of glued on hair. And the bracelet. The bracelet. At what point in your early thirties lifetime do you decide it is a wise idea to slip into something a little more "ethnic" and wooden?
The crime this guy is committing is not as blatently obvious as a murder or a muppet impersonation, which is why it is so disturbing. He is perpatrating a Cool Guy and he is just Not a cool guy.
Please, please, please promise me that you, if you are a man, that you will take something from this free advice session. And if you are a girl, and you see this guy, please flick him. Flick him hard and in a good place that he will remember, like right under his nose, on the nostrils. Trust me when I say that it smarts.