Aug 5, 2008

New York bloody New York

OMG. omg. You GUYS! So I'm sitting in my room earlier tonight, totally content having just hung up from an evening conversation with TH when I saw a black thing dart across the wall. I looked over and it was a HUMONGOID ROACH CRAWLING ALL THE HELL OVER THE PLACE. It was the biggest effing thing I'd ever seen. I immediately freaked out and jumped to the other side of the room, my eyes not able to follow how fast this thing was going.

So I did what any logical girl would do. I called my boyfriend. When boyfriend did not wake up to get my emergency call (for which he could've done nothing to help the cause. It was just comfort, man.) I ran to the living room for a breather. I realized I'd have to take matters into my own hands. I threw open the closet door and looked for Roach Exterminator Outfit. I found a heavy long trench coat and a bike helmet. Perfect. I put it on and timidly stepped back into my bedroom. I searched the walls...nothing. I searched the ceilings...nothing!

*GASP* The roach was in my STUFF.

I started freaking out and to make a long story short, ended up moving almost everything out of my room and into the living room. No roach. I sat down on the couch and tried to breathe. Then I saw it DART across the living room floor. Screams and shaking began again. I threw my shoe at it!! SO BRAVE! It missed. Dammit. The roach ran back into my room and it was gone again. I decided to get the super.

Super comes in, surveys the room, takes apart the heater, searches the coils...Ahh. No roach. It must have left, he said. It must've crawled out the hole in the floor, he said. B.S. I knew it was still here and I knew I wouldn't be sleeping if it didn't die tonight. I thanked him, as he is an sweet older man from some eastern european country who doesn't speak english very well. As he left he said "If the roach come back, you kill with shoe. No scared. Use shoe! Is ok." He really is so cute. But I'm thinking 'like hell im going to kill that radioactive beast'.

About 3 minutes later my roommates walk in the door. They'd been out at a movie and just returned. I was like YOU GUYS WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!?! I had texted them about the roach so they knew it was here and they were freaking out with me and I was like yeah I have no idea where it went and walked into my room and IT WAS RUNNING UP MY WALLLLL. Ughhhhh, you have no idea how big and disgusting this thing was. I felt like I was on fear factor or something.

Picture this: 3 girls screaming at the top of their lungs, me yelling GET THE SUPER! GET THE SUPER!! Super comes running in, tells me to kill it, and I say NO! YOU HAVE TO DO IT!! I hand him the broom and my chuck taylor shoe and tell him to go for it. He sees it and gets the broom and starts going for it. It falls on the floor and runs out into the living room where all 3 girls are standing. I am on the couch, jumping up and down like Tom Cruise holding my ears shut so I don't hear the roach and the other roomies are freaking out and crying. We are screaming so extremely loud and being the biggest girls I've ever seen. We should've all been ashamed and embarrassed, but we didn't have TIME to think about that. The super had a determined look in his eyes and started stomping, stomping, STOMPING!


Dead Roach.

Girls screaming subsides. Loud breathing. Roach peeled off shoe, put in napkin, thrown away in the super's trashcan. Roach dead in trash outside my apartment.

Now maybe I can actually sleep tonight.

Except now it is almost 4 AM and I have to get up in 3.5 hours. I might just pull an all nighter and chalk this one up to a city night. THANK GOD FOR THE SUPER. He is Of Good Report. I owe him my happiness.

I can't wait to move away from the roach room, as it will now and forever be known.


JD said...

i think i laughed this entire entry.

modestmuse said...

You've obviously never lived in Hawaii. Then again, I'm sure NYC roaches could give da kine a run for their money.

My advice: Let a couple geckos loose in your place. They can at least eat the next generation; the King Size ones are up to you and your shoe.

Also, on the island I learned that a shot of Clorox Clean-Up works instantly with those huge roaches, where it takes a few sprays and chasing with actual roach spray. You just have to use the Clean-Up in places (kitchen, bathroom) where it won't bleach your stuff.