i was telling mark last night that i feel like my old self again. carefree, go with the flow, spontaneous me. you see, when baby arrived, i adopted this hyper vigilant anxiety based on henry's inability to sleep well and tendency to get fussy after about an hour of being awake. i felt afraid to leave, and even though i would go out and run errands when i was on maternity leave, i did so with so much anxiety in the pit of my stomach that my the time i got home, both baby and i would be crying and exhausted.
last week, i decided i wanted to have some fun, gosh darn it. throw caution to the wind, and just accept the fact that we have a baby and babies cry sometimes, and we would all be fine if we just adjusted a little. so we threw a small dinner party last week. and i still had anxiety because i felt i couldn't be a great hostess and be as attentive as i felt i needed to be to Henry, but you know what? it was ok. and we were all ok. and it was fun. and henry liked hanging out with new people (and so did mom and dad!). this week, we had a spontaneous outing with some friends to see a night time exhibit on the National Mall, last night i went to my friends house with Henry for a delicious dinner and fun ladies night, and Friday we are doing another dinner.
lest you think i'm bragging about my social calendar, please know that we have not done dinner/outings/etc. with other people in a very long time. so maybe i'm going a little overboard, but i'm just so excited that i'm losing the fear. sure, the anxiety is still there, but i'm finding more peace. it makes me so happy to know i can just take little Hen wherever i go (within reason, of course), and he will still be a happy, well-adjusted baby. so what if he's up past his bedtime for a night or two. happier me = better mother = better wife = happier me.
i just feel like i'm finally turning a corner. it's such a relief to meet myself on the other side of that corner. do you know what i mean?