That'll teach 'em

Remember how I told you about me being the token office bitch?
I still hold that title. But before you start feeling bad for me (which isn't really necessary--I do that enough for everyone involved as it is), you should know that I have really been making the most of things here in the old paper pushing department:

1. I was asked to make a cover sheet for a packet on the subject of managers dealing with casualties, aka death. But on the little post-it, the person asked for me to be creative. Oh, boy, this is where I shine. So I searched online and found a good joke, slapped it on the cover and turned it in to my supervisor. Luckily, I had made a backup cover without the joke, which she didn't think was appropriate for a packet about death. If this doesn't make you want to die laughing, then what will. Really.

2. I get to work 12 hour days, every day! While this would be tiring to the normal office person, I am charged from listening to tracks on my iPod and walking around without shoes on. After everyone leaves it's me, the papers, and my hot dance moves.

3. I am really good at walking around during the day and talking to people about
a) Gardens -- Wow, your swiss chard is so sweet. How do you grow such a lovely chard?
b) Vacations -- Really? You say you have a cabin in Glenallen? Do you let friends and coworkers stay at their leisure?
c)Fashion -- No, I'm not wearing a hospital gown. This is actually a shirt.
d)Gossiping about all the firefighters --
Did you see that _____ was in a hotel room with another person last week?
Yes, he called yesterday and told me it was actually 2 extra people. Both girls.
Ew.

4. I have successfully trained the vending machine man to give me all of the mangled/expired vended treats. This has included 2 cokes, a diet coke, 10 bags of ranch flavored chips, and a cookie. Just so we're clear, office people are like vultures when it comes to treats. I have secured many friends and cohorts with these free treats.

5. I get to say fun office things like:
Is it Friday yet?
I'm up to neck in papers!
I'm working through lunch today!

6. I get to use the intercom to page people. Sometimes I like to play around and say things like:
a) There is an old, rusty truck in the parking lot with its lights on. (Which pretty much counts for everyone)
b) Kelly, please dial ___(I click out before the number is said. They love to guess the 4 digit extension.)
c) Happy birthday, Janna! Hey everyone, don't forget to wish Janna a happy birthday! And come down for cake and the spank train later today!

I love offices.