Face it, you suck.

Have you ever been making out and are having a super great time until you realize OH SCHNIT, I TOTALLY HAVE A HICKEY!!!

Well, I haven't either.

I don't really understand the nature of a hickey or how it comes to pass. I mean, I understand how its given and received. However, I have a hard time believing that after experiencing it once or twice, that it continues to be a constant presence in ones life. In high school, there was this couple that used to be covered in hickeys. And I mean covered. The girl would always wear low-cut clothing and lots of necklaces to maybe distract from the hickeys? It was seriously gross.

Cut to 5 years later.

While I have never received a hickey, I have been the fortunate bestower of the hickey ***THIS WAS 2 YEARS AGO***(much to the chagrin of other party). Before you go pointing fingers and forcing me to wear a large red A on my chest, I want you to understand something. It was really, really, really funny. Call me a whoremonger, but giving a hickey was one of the funniest things I've ever done to anyone. After an innocent sleepover, I woke up the next morning to the violent swearing of Other Party.

Me: {bleary eyed and in a panic}Oh my gosh, what's wrong?
Other Party: My f***ing neck! My neck! {points to red bruises on neck}
Me: What the hell is that? Are you allergic to something?
OP: You! I'm allergic to you! This is from you!
Me: {Still confused as to what it is, having never actually given or received hickey before} What?
OP: {points to neck}Hickeys!
Me: Oh. {sheepishly throws covers over head and begins to laugh as OP runs around looking for a shirt to cover up "bruises"}

We go to the kitchen to have breakfast and his roommates enter. They immediately ask him what happened to his neck and OP just points at me. Bam. Doesn't even try to make excuses. So for the remainder of that day, I was known as Hoover.

The moral of this story is that I learned what to do to avoid giving hickeys. So, gross people of the world, why can't you do the same? And if you can't, invest in some freaking turtlenecks, for goodness sake. Have some dignity!